14. Something strange...
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14. Something strange...
'everybody wants to go to heaven, but no-one wants to die' – Albert King.
I want to start by saying I am not claiming to be enlightened.
I can get easily excited and obsessive about things – and then it’s yet another thing to unlearn later on.
This is why I hesitate while writing this newsletter, but it’s on my heart and I want to share.
So let’s be having it…
It’s been over two-weeks since I’ve experienced ayahuasca; two weeks since I was plunged into what felt like the belly of God (or spirit or whatever spoke to me) in that timeless/formless abyss. I felt connected to everything and I was nothing.
We were in that ceremony room for over 6 hours, and I wouldn’t have known if I wasn’t told. I stumbled out of there dazed and unsure of the time or the gravity of what I experienced.
Here’s the thing you should know about me.
I have been chasing salvation for the past 18 years.
First it was Buddhism, followed by Islam (I fasted during Ramadan, learnt the shahada in Arabic and kept my hair covered for the majority of sixth form) and then it was Christianity; this one stuck the longest. I had solid community and charitable friends who loved the person I meticulously constructed.
Then I went to China for a year. And then something really strange happened…
WUXI
I lived alone in a two-bedroom apartment overlooking an ancient town in the eastern region of Jiangsu province. My only way of contacting back home was my laptop and a basic phone with no internet (no smartphone for me out there). I sent emails and reblogged emo quotes on Tumblr. I gave up on VPNs after 2 months and decided to just immerse myself and make the most of my new home.
No YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp or Google.
I describe this as my Abraham year.
I eventually stopped recreating my traditional Jamaican meals and ate out with friends, at my canteen or at the small hole-in-a-wall a few minutes walk from my building. I ordered my usual; a small steamy bowl of soup, freshly pulled noodles and simmering stir-fried beef with caramelised onions and potatoes
土豆牛肉拉面!
the waiter would shout out my order before I even sat down.
I stopped going to church by this time. My spiritual practice was mostly in solitude, but one day, out of nowhere, I developed this habit that momentarily changed the way I prayed. I would ask a question out loud, something like ‘What do I need to know about X?’ Stop. Breathe. Take my journal out and continue with more questions. Then seconds later my hands flowed across the page as if taken over. And I know this sounds wild, but this kept happening and the responder wasn’t me. Or rather it was something deeper than me, or my consciousness, and it was writing through me. Yes. Through me.
I didn’t understand what was happening, but it became a regular practice. Being still. Sitting. Writing questions and then being taken over by this presence. I still have this journal. The responses are wise, clear, forgiving and so loving. Everything I wasn’t.
Several miraculous things kept happening to me that year, too. Things that have kept my faith in the unseen and unexplainable alive. The only thing I seemed to be doing differently was being more present than I’d ever been. Deeply. Intensely. Consistently. With faith that bordered on delusional and childlike. I had no choice.
This was also my 12th House profection year and the most alive I’d ever felt. And also most grateful.
Stick a pin here…
HOME
Years passed and memories faded. I had a love deficit. I found a new salvation in astrology, tarot and spiritual community. I eventually joined a group that formed during the pandemic and it soon became a space of solace and support, especially during such an uncertain time.
What started sweet eventually went to shit - the details of this still have the people I’ve told gagged and in disbelief. You will find a lot of these spaces are not immune from spiritual narcissism and petty, mean girl behaviour – humans will human. As maddening as this turned out to be, I wasn’t aware, then, that maybe I was going to circle back…
Credit: the art divination deck*
SIGNS
The practice I describe in my Abraham year is touched on in religious texts and several spiritual self-help books** (one of which I’m re-reading).
Presence.
Presence being a portal. Presence and gratitude being a prerequisite for deep transformation or manifestation. Presence through the body. Focusing your attention there. Stillness. Presence presence presence. It’s hard to describe it if it hasn’t been experienced and it’s hard to be grateful when you’re deeply in survival mode (5 years and counting for me), but in the 2 weeks I’ve been back the signs are everywhere. From my YouTube algorithm, conversations and snippets from podcasts. Conscious presence is the salvation I need right now.
Maybe because I’m back in my 12th house profection year the message is shouting at me, but I’m going to stick at it for as long as I can.
there is no salvation in time – Eckhart Tolle
Before I end this, I want you to try this today. Pause. Soften and intensely focus your attention on a part of your body or something in your room for a minute. Just fully be there and notice and witness and then continue on with your day. Try it again tomorrow or next week. I know this can be hard when there’s so many things worthy of escaping from, but would you try once and see how you get on? See if you can increase it weekly? I’m challenging myself right with you…
I don’t know for sure what will come out of this for us, but I believe something will…