Our love story hasn’t been easy.
The surgery is ongoing. Urgent. Two fragile bodies on a gurney.
Every meeting feels high stakes – no stone left unturned. Nothing unspoken.
Don’t delay; it could end tomorrow.
It is hard to be avoidant when you’re not dealing with a pretender. It is hard to lie when the truth makes you feel stronger.
Choosing (anyone) as if tomorrow it could all disappear is unnerving. Exposed heart in splintered chest cavity. No back-up. Nothing waiting to swoop in and soften the fall. There is no end in sight. I cannot see the destination.
Yet I’m still here showing up. This could all be a beautiful lie
(and that’s OK).
At 35, I am sitting with feelings as if they are a balm and not a snare waiting to entrap me. I am choosing to see this as an expansion of my magic, beauty and humanity. How many more lay dormant waiting to be tended to? It is humbling realising you have been scared to be full in love most of your life.
Raise your hand if the following applies… (no judgement)…
Last week, you edited the text before pressing send. too ‘unhinged’; too much. too honest.
You’re waiting for the valentine’s day message – you don’t say it first even though there is one person who just came to mind.
(on instagram you say ‘happy lovers day to me’ and every derivative thereof…)
‘Fuck capitalism; today is no different than all the others!’ – at least, this is what you say publicly…
(and you’re still waiting for the message. you would still appreciate the gift…)
You want to spoil the person who was only meant for a night. The rules tell you it’s not what situationships do.
You said ‘I’m OK’ when you want to say ‘I’m terrified and I don’t know how to do this’.
You want to shoot your shot but you don’t want to be ridiculed in her group chat…
You changed your mind and you’re too proud to say ‘I’m sorry’.
You still think about the last person who broke your heart – you think this is a betrayal of reason…
“I feel, therefore I can be free”
Today, I think about what it looks like to be full and courageous in love when you don’t care to be reasonable. When you give yourself permission and grace to be honest (about your feelings). When you don’t give a shit about people’s judgement.
I am trying my best right along with you
xo
‘as we learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny… those fears which rule over our lives… begin to lose their control over us’
* All quotes featured in this newsletter is by Audre Lorde from ‘The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house’