Yesterday was an average day for me. I wasn’t overstimulated and I stuck to my morning routine like the days before. This allows me to maintain my energy, clarity and focus. Sometimes it’s high and sometimes it’s mellow. Either way, I was cool.
On most days I wake up with ease. Ease is my favourite word and my preferred state to be in. I am recognising the things that chip away at this (excessive alcohol and excessive scrolling), so I try striking a balance. I am sensitive.
Most days I wake up with hope and a sense that I can really fucking make it – I am motivated by whimsy and synchronicity and being free [feels like I’m really living, you know what I mean?] but on the odd days I wake up and I feel such a profound sense of purposelessness that I am frozen, overwhelmed and overcome with emptiness. Even movement feels futile.
This is how you would have found me yesterday.
I am learning that this feeling (my familiar visitor) would like to be acknowledged. So motivated by my desire to get the fuck out of survival mode I forget to set the table. It is a guest. It too is weary. It too is part of the process.
“Recognising the power of the erotic within our lives can give us the energy to pursue genuine change within our world, rather than merely settling for a shift of characters in the same weary drama.” – Audre Lorde
My name is Elisia and for the past 6 years I have been a self-employed graphic designer. I cycle through curiosity, excitement, shock, terror, denial, burnout, stillness and acceptance on a regular basis. Some stages last longer than others.
This has been a messy and wild journey. I am an artist; I follow internal nudges, but every so often I am motivated by survival.
Sometimes I forget why I am doing this and who I am doing this for. Like, is this sustainable (fear asks)? Lately I have been feeling like I don’t have a niche. Lately I have been feeling like a liar.
I have lived a thousand lives and I am interested in a thousand things. I would like to focus more on trying things for the love of doing them and not purely monetisation.
I am tired of survival mode.
I am tired of figuring out my niche.
I am tired of trying to be like them.
I am not.
I am me.
I am human.
I am.