I don’t need to be fixed, and you don’t either.
At least not in the way you think.
How honest can I be here? I know this is public, but it still feels like my secret digital diary (just with dozens of people peeking in), and I just want to free up the tings.
So here’s what I will say…
Over the weekend, I forgave a person I never thought I would. The words slid out of my mouth like goopy molasses accrued from decades of pain and resentment.
Shared DNA or no, I had no desire to release this person, because where is my justice, and most importantly, who will I now blame for my shortcomings?
credit: Babyboy (2001)
It is early, but my forgiveness felt real in my bones. Last week something ended and like most tower moments it ushered in a new life story. A true domino effect. This is not the tune I expected to be singing this week, but here we are.
I didn’t even get to strap up.
Today I think about the thing we think needs fixing is not always in the direction we are facing. I make a list of my shortcomings and tick them off like homework tasks. A gold star for being less avoidant today. A treat for not being a bitch.
It isn’t sustainable, and I don’t know how helpful ‘defective’ is as a self-diagnosis.
Last week I wrote that I have always wanted to experience deeper connections and be seen. I find can find merging with others challenging and there is a lot here, in me. A lot. This question of my capacity to love fully can be really hurtful to experience, as are all the other things I’ve been told about myself.
A friend told me I should start with humility. I can be so prideful. The heart full of resentment is attempting to make space for another. How?
I have been holding onto this for most of my adult life. Releasing this isn’t the quick-fix for all my issues – I know this – but humanising the family member I forgave was medicinal for both of us. It is symbiotic. A signal that I no longer wear this pride with such honour – there is nothing honourable about it, actually.
And this is what I was referring to at the beginning of this; the ‘fixing’ might be in the perspective (first).
For me it is knowing that I should first tend to the things closer to home.
The root.