I hope this newsletter is a blessing to any of you who read this. I hope that there is something here that feels like medicine.
I hope today you get exactly what you came for.
Every day, for the past two weeks, I have woken up with a familiar hunger.
You should know that it is very typical for me to take on new conditioning. To fix myself. It’s a never-ending project.
I discover a new way I’ve been fuckery or not very kind and add it to my list of things to change. For some people, change, or doing ‘good’, comes after being face-to-face with mortality, vowing to never waste a second of life’s offer after it let’s them stay here for a little longer. For others it can be to maintain good standing with others – to be a space of credibility, or even to ensure they have a space they belong. For me, it has followed a string of ruptures in my relationships or a barrenness in my creativity and security.
Recently I have been thinking about my intentions.
I’ve been thinking about its source, and if I strip it to the bare bones, there has been a lot of incongruence between word and action. A lot of delusion. A lot of performing. It is confronting and it isn’t pretty.
Today I ask you what is the source of your actions… in work, in love and in life. Is it fear? service? control? joy? anger? pride? Do you examine this periodically? Are you dragged here or do you arrive on your own?
Recently I’ve been reconciling with my tendency to take more than I give. To receive more than serve. I have been looking at the fruits of the seeds I have watered. Some ripe and others are weeds.
It is uncomfortable to reconcile being unliked or being a mess, but if the aim is not to be fixed/liked, but to align with love (i.e. going beyond yourself to light up and nourish everything in your path); to get out of the way – perhaps this doesn’t become yet another exercise or task – or to be jolted into transformation through fear or loss, but checking the source…
…and letting the quality of your fruits the evidence.