52. 'Spiritual baddie – purr'
... (jk, it's about book hoarding, intellectual-fake-ass-hoeism and escapism)
I haven’t counted, but I probably own over a dozen self-help books. There’s also the odd psychotherapy book and BACP magazines (from when I was a budding counsellor in training), a book on trauma, a book on attachment, a book on love and then the psycho-spirituality stuff.
Then there are the bibles; the Kings James version bound in cracked leather, the TD Jakes edition, the new testament translated into mandarin edition, the lost books of the bible and forgotten books of Eden, the book on Hoodoo, spiritual astrology, a book on conspiracy theories, the book on ancestral ritual practices by a shaman from Burkina Faso, a Quran (this one’s at my mum’s), the Bhagavad Gītā and sufi poetry.
This is an exhaustive list.
Aside from my penchant for spiritual literature hoarding, this reveals a deep-seated, penetrative, yearning.
I’ve mentioned this desire to fix myself in another letter. It usually follows some mess I’ve made, this feeling that I’m defective, heartbreak or inability to shift the prolonged sadness and instability.
It is a high, and I’m an avid reader. Words are spells I weave well.
The spirit breathes life, the spirit breathes life. words can lie but energy never does.
I do not list these texts to invalidate the wealth of knowledge and transformation they bring – but to remind myself that there isn’t a distant position of perfection to achieve before I feel good or act right (whatever that means). I’m here in this body doing life right here and the time is always now.
check the intention. check the intention.
it can be very easy to make a tick box exercise out of things, either to pacify or shirk responsibility or feel better for past fuckups or to be seen to be good.
If you’ve been there, you’re in good company, because same. I do ‘being good’ so well.
Right now it is looking like all ways every day every single day every single day every single messy day. fuck up. surrender. asking for help to return to love. act. nothing remarkable today? asking for help to return to love. surrender. painting my toes. surrender. return to love. act. triggered. return to love. Surrender.
Same again tomorrow.
Q.
What are you devoted to right now?
What are you reminding yourself?
Where are you right now?