68. Confession

I haven't been honest...

I’m typing this to you from a balcony overlooking an ocean. 17 degree heat – which feels like 25 degrees – warms my face and I’m propped up on my side, supported by sunken pillows. I’m playing an ambient playlist from Spotify on my phone. I’m typing this in real time, attempting to not edit as I go. Active sentences; that is when a subject word like ‘I’ comes before a verb like ‘open’ and then finally it is followed by the object ‘the door’.

I did this vs This was done by me.

One feels close. One is further away.

I’m writing this way because I’m trying to get more honest. Perhaps this is my only new years resolution (that and making a lot more money). I like to be flowery. I like my words to impress. I want to say the right things so that you’ll like me. I want you to think I’m smarter than I am. Writing this way helps me get closer to feeling what the truth feels like in my body.

Love is a truth serum.

I didn’t fully understand safety before my relationship. I didn’t know being unsafe didn’t just mean not being physically violent, but also hiding behind words. White lies. So many that it’s become my default.

Dishonesty has been a safety net. I don’t even consider white lies lying. I won’t tell the friend that our relationship is imbalanced and feels transactional; I won’t even say I no don’t feel like hanging out casually because it’s burdensome, I just push off the meeting.

I won’t say to a loved one that they only check in to dump. I don’t say ‘I don’t have the money for this; my client payment is late; I cannot invite you over because I can just about feed myself, and I have been raised to ensure no-one comes to my house and leaves hungry’ instead I say ‘I’m busy with work (partially true), but I might be free in a couple of weeks’

I want to be more honest because I want to be safe. I also feel my body reacting to the weight of the white lies. This seems to be validated outside too. Stanford Medicine scientists revealed how women are more prone to developing autoimmune disorders from internalising our feelings and emotions. Feelings, like lies, build up. The body doesn’t lie.

I want to be more honest. I want to be seen. I want to be free.

And in the words of my love, I want to show myself so that my blessings can find me.

Till next time xo

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