84. A self-help cheat code (kinda)
Accidentally triggering the spirit of groupie and cultivating healthy self-esteem
There is nothing I enjoy more than the rush of relief or clarity after a long, arduous period of self doubt or perceived stagnation.
It’s like the incessant beep from the fire alarm you eventually stop hearing, or when early morning fog lifts and gives way to sunrise and bird song. It is welcomed, even though I know there will still be blank walls to stare at or other problems to solve.
CONFIRMATION
I have a mentor, I had a reading and I have had the same thing confirmed to me from three different sources on three different occasions.
ENERGY
I am really giving a fuck about my energy and what really matters to me right now. I will not endure anything or anyone who drains me on a consistent basis (exceptions detailed in point number 3). I am not a martyr and I do not have the capacity. I am accepting if this is seen as flaky or uncaring. I am not making any time to meet up just because we are friendly. I am open to feeling differently later.
ATTENTION
I am devoting my efforts and time to specific things and people. These are the only spaces I am stretching myself for. Also:
I am unpacking what I mean when I say I want connection and what this actually entails…
[cont]… Lop-sided attachment without effort? An agreeable audience? Exchange? Cultivating a resting place for love?
I want an event to excite me, intrigue me or make me money - I don’t just want to be outside*. A celebrity is just a human being with more access. That popular event is just good marketing, great branding and FOMO harvesting, so if the excitement isn’t genuinely there or it’s not to support a loved one, go ahead and politely decline that invite (because it is not worth paying for and it will not slap). I am trying to free you: one eventbrite link at a time.
This may not be radical to anyone who (at a minimum) has normal to healthy self-esteem, but this practice is new for me. I have literally and metaphorically shown up to things I’ve been invited to in effort to be accepted or visible. I am grateful for the expansion my 30s is bringing.
FEELING
I am used to numbing, so when I feel anything that rips through in an uncomfortable way I call it anxiety. I am doing this thing of closing my eyes and concentrating on my heart for minutes at a time. sometimes longer. “Maybe what you call anxiety is just a feeling you haven’t identified yet”, it says. It gives me new names. It feels more open.
Artwork credit:
*this is not about aimless frolicking, gardening, impromptu road trips or serendipity, for which I have all the time for
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