85. Be a little unhinged
The moon is in sag after all…
I have been feeling a bit more sensitive lately. Easier to spark. Quicker to admit when I am feeling uncomfortable or insecure. More resistant. More intolerant. Quicker to cry. Quicker to apologise.
There is an urgency to my feelings and an aversion to intellectualising them.
There has been a recurring concern that I am not silent about - I refuse, actually. Because it is irksome and even though I cannot intellectually grapple with all the things I am picking up on, there is a spiritual dimension to my intellect that is doing the needful. It is loud. It is doing some heavy lifting. I do not doubt it.
Sometimes I feel indulgent in my protests, especially when it feels like my vulnerability will swallow me whole, or I’m being immature, irrational or stroppy, but here I am leaning into it.
I am also in real-time writing through my perfectionism, which is telling me this piece has no plot or character arc, that I should update you about my creative/life or provide commentary on what is happening in the current news cycle.
“I have a lot of things I do like to do, that I feel compelled to do by pleasure or necessity or survival: I feel compelled to think and read and live my life in a sensate manner, to take copious note, to learn the discipline of love and adjust to people around me and eat layered, delicious meals… but I do not speak until I feel compelled to speak.“
- ismatu gwendolyn
As a byproduct of me sharing this, the hope is this invites you to validate your feelings, your aimlessness, your imperfection, your silence or your no.
Who is going to beat you?
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